we're all here, suffering whether or not we know it.
growing stranger to our stems
while making love with foreign thoughts
East meets West
and the meek shudder
A wind blows cold
and gray skies eclipse suns
We strap ourselves in, gleefully
inside iron maidens adorned with silk and jewels
our faces frowning
grinning
Only those who know can save us
Most of them forgot this already
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Dinner with Lupin, the 3rd
Just had dinner with Lupin. In two years living in Shanghai I've neither heard nor tasted 鲶鱼(Ni-yen yoo). This long, ugly, black fish was cooked with spices, onions, and more spice over an electric "hot pot" and accompanied by a variety of tofu skin, lettuce, small dumplings, and mushrooms free for us to add into the bubbling pan. It was sweet but not too sweet, with a texture that bordered on firm but with enough softness to dispel comparisons to swordfish or shark. With a little beer, we sat in that fluorescent lighted Sichuan fish restaurant talking about the experiences we'd had over the last year and half since last we saw each other. Between knowing comments and smiles we dipped chopsticks into the flesh of this fish.
It was catfish. First I'd tasted in China.
You're thin. How is your Chinese? You look depressed...maybe it's your hair. How is your Dutch girlfriend? Good? Those were the questions leveled by my dimunitive companion. He looked exactly the same, a bit between a mole and a rat with his glasses and light-upon-non-existing-beard and his skinny frame. He looked exactly the same as when I had met him at a 小龙虾(sheeao long shia, crawfish) place when I'd first arrived in Shanghai in 2007. I told him he'd changed, but that he was mostly the same. I was prepared for all his questions, especially the one about looking depressed. I told him it was the hair.
We talked about the people we knew who had left. I mentioned the people who'd stayed and who I didn't talk with anymore. That's a better indication of how much has changed...the people you vacationed with and had sou juu with and laughed with knowingly who became awkward less-than strangers. Strangers you know how to talk to. You say how are you. Friends who become like this, well, you're liable to start talking about the past every time you meet until you both realize that's the only thing you're doing when what you should be doing is making memories for the time you meet years down the road and...you realize it's not gonna happen. We talked about that a little.
Mostly, we talked about each other and ourselves. Lupin told me about his mom, the best mom in the world. I told him she was great but that I couldn't say that title out loud for obvious reasons. He asked me how I knew. I told him that I saw it in her eyes on his graduation day. A little of it also in how she treated me and treated the soft spoken driver who went with us to restaurants and to the ceremony itself and how I almost mistook for a relative and even almost mistook for his father at one point. But mostly, I saw it in how proud, and how damn happy she was her son was graduating. It was the only day I met with her, maybe she looked like that with her face scrunched up so and her eyebrows gracefully curved down in sadness but overpowered with the joy of her smile. Maybe she did.
And make no mistake, Lupin is smarter than me. Smarter than me and nearly the same dreamer as me. He sure won't waste time like I feel I inevitably will.
We talked about destiny versus following our dreams and heart. I mentioned YJamison (this is sheer name butchery here...), probably the guy I'll always and forever come back to when I think of the steps it takes a guy to choose his path in life. I can't call him fucking YJamison. I'll call him Yung. He is a Korean who studied and lived in America, not far from my house coincidentally, and he walks with his hands clasped behind his back like an old Chinese. Yung used to tell me how he wished he envied people who could do what they wanted, instead of walking a path paved for him by societ, parents, and a destiny.
Lupin told me that he most certainly was going to follow his passion, and that I needed to do the same. His English had improved, and he was more confident. He still needed a lot of advice when it came to women, and I happily obliged because that is one of the only things I feel confident in advising people about.
We said goodbye with a firm handshake and a hug.
About two months later I coached him through an interview for a doctorate of pharmacology scholarship at Oxford. He had prepared materials and answers, and called me. We did the mock interview and I was impressed when he started talking about global citizenship, community work outside the lab, and being a well rounded person. I had nearly nothing to add, and wished him luck.
I imagined him waiting for news back from Oxford about the scholarship. Nearly two years ago at Tao Li Yuan at Jiao Tong University he had nearly grasped Machine and my hands in his saying "Pray for me". At that time he was waiting for word from Jiao Tong on whether he'd won a very, very competitive scholarship award to do his master's at Oxford.
This time, I didn't receive any news, nor messages of uncertainty or needing to meet up for a talk and some liquid courage. Instead, just a few days ago, I messaged him online and asked how it was going. He said he was just about to call me to tell me he got the scholarship. He was going to go back to Oxford, this time for 3 years, and would come back a doctor.
We're meeting tomorrow, and I expect him to be the happiest guy alive. I just wish I could have seen his mother's face when Lupin told her the good news.
It was catfish. First I'd tasted in China.
You're thin. How is your Chinese? You look depressed...maybe it's your hair. How is your Dutch girlfriend? Good? Those were the questions leveled by my dimunitive companion. He looked exactly the same, a bit between a mole and a rat with his glasses and light-upon-non-existing-beard and his skinny frame. He looked exactly the same as when I had met him at a 小龙虾(sheeao long shia, crawfish) place when I'd first arrived in Shanghai in 2007. I told him he'd changed, but that he was mostly the same. I was prepared for all his questions, especially the one about looking depressed. I told him it was the hair.
We talked about the people we knew who had left. I mentioned the people who'd stayed and who I didn't talk with anymore. That's a better indication of how much has changed...the people you vacationed with and had sou juu with and laughed with knowingly who became awkward less-than strangers. Strangers you know how to talk to. You say how are you. Friends who become like this, well, you're liable to start talking about the past every time you meet until you both realize that's the only thing you're doing when what you should be doing is making memories for the time you meet years down the road and...you realize it's not gonna happen. We talked about that a little.
Mostly, we talked about each other and ourselves. Lupin told me about his mom, the best mom in the world. I told him she was great but that I couldn't say that title out loud for obvious reasons. He asked me how I knew. I told him that I saw it in her eyes on his graduation day. A little of it also in how she treated me and treated the soft spoken driver who went with us to restaurants and to the ceremony itself and how I almost mistook for a relative and even almost mistook for his father at one point. But mostly, I saw it in how proud, and how damn happy she was her son was graduating. It was the only day I met with her, maybe she looked like that with her face scrunched up so and her eyebrows gracefully curved down in sadness but overpowered with the joy of her smile. Maybe she did.
And make no mistake, Lupin is smarter than me. Smarter than me and nearly the same dreamer as me. He sure won't waste time like I feel I inevitably will.
We talked about destiny versus following our dreams and heart. I mentioned YJamison (this is sheer name butchery here...), probably the guy I'll always and forever come back to when I think of the steps it takes a guy to choose his path in life. I can't call him fucking YJamison. I'll call him Yung. He is a Korean who studied and lived in America, not far from my house coincidentally, and he walks with his hands clasped behind his back like an old Chinese. Yung used to tell me how he wished he envied people who could do what they wanted, instead of walking a path paved for him by societ, parents, and a destiny.
Lupin told me that he most certainly was going to follow his passion, and that I needed to do the same. His English had improved, and he was more confident. He still needed a lot of advice when it came to women, and I happily obliged because that is one of the only things I feel confident in advising people about.
We said goodbye with a firm handshake and a hug.
About two months later I coached him through an interview for a doctorate of pharmacology scholarship at Oxford. He had prepared materials and answers, and called me. We did the mock interview and I was impressed when he started talking about global citizenship, community work outside the lab, and being a well rounded person. I had nearly nothing to add, and wished him luck.
I imagined him waiting for news back from Oxford about the scholarship. Nearly two years ago at Tao Li Yuan at Jiao Tong University he had nearly grasped Machine and my hands in his saying "Pray for me". At that time he was waiting for word from Jiao Tong on whether he'd won a very, very competitive scholarship award to do his master's at Oxford.
This time, I didn't receive any news, nor messages of uncertainty or needing to meet up for a talk and some liquid courage. Instead, just a few days ago, I messaged him online and asked how it was going. He said he was just about to call me to tell me he got the scholarship. He was going to go back to Oxford, this time for 3 years, and would come back a doctor.
We're meeting tomorrow, and I expect him to be the happiest guy alive. I just wish I could have seen his mother's face when Lupin told her the good news.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
free
free to live on the edge a little...hope i choose that edge instead of looking for safer ground.
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