Humid winds of change

When my older friend said the words: "Your chinese has not improved very fast," it hit my gut and my bad liver like something really hard. I had been riding high that day after apartment searching with Glen and Hyun Seok. The real estate broker and our chinese friend Lester, who's a nutcase and will deserve a mention in my next piece about Chinese local friends, told me my Chinese was pretty good. Normally one must be dubious when receiving compliments from Chinese because they are par for the course. However, on this occassion I felt somewhat of an epiphany, what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity (wish I was Sam Jackson): I FELT my listening improvement as well as my speaking. So my elation was swiftly, and justly, cut down outside of Tao Li Yuan in the night. Mosquitoes bit at my calves and shoulders.

I wrote before about my ambition to stop clubbing and drinking and live healthier. Well I have taken that ambition into overdrive. Even an occassional drink makes me somewhat sick, and I plan on going to bed in about 20 odd minutes while simultaneously considering it not early enough keep in MIND that this is truly a city that doesn't sleep. My friends' going away bash at Guandi (maybe the only club I will truly miss going to...so many hot-forget it) went on until 6:30 in the morning. Speaking of going away bashes I have missed 3 of them including my very good friend Yoon's. In the past, I would have probably gone without thinking twice to all of them, or at least caved at the first "Come on man, so and so is leaving tomorrow." I have been studying and trying to ignore English speaking friends during the day. I don't listen to music anymore, only Chinese on the ipod.

The biggest step came that night though, when after my world was semi-shattered I picked up the pieces and put them together. A part of me, the part that was truly happy being comfortable, didn't like the crystal ball just created. I saw hardship, strangeness, and everything I knew I needed, the very reason i was here in China. I sent Glen a text message saying "I'm sorry, bro, I can't live with you next semester."

Now, we had that day just looked at a PIMP apartment that would have been nice in any country in the world. Glen is the most generous guy I've ever met, and a good friend. He texted me back saying I was his little brother, and to do what's best for me. For my Chinese I had decided I needed to largely cease speaking English. My mom was right, I had to think in Chinese. My friend Min, the older wiser guy who had told me I needed to do more to learn Chinese if indeed it was my goal, offered to let me live with him and his classmate. I've been waiting until tonight for him to arrange matters.

But then i took it a step further. Provided the place I check out tomorrow isn't shit, next semester I will live with three Chinese girls, one of whom is a language exchange partner. Now, this is pretty crazy compared to the other changes I have been trying to make good habits. My Chinese is guaranteed to sky rocket. K. Cho told me there are two ways to learn Chinese: 1. Chinese roomates, 2. Chinese girlfriend. Now it's like the best of both worlds right? 3 Chinese roomate/girlfriends? 开玩笑！ The rent will be LESSTHANHALF of what my perfect parents pay right now. Of course, the conditions will probably not be anything close to what I was planning on with Glen and them. Also, I had been thinking of living with Doug as well, whom I've just begun to rekindle old delight with. That sounds deliciously decadent. And gay. And living with 3 girls isn't the fairy tale adolescent boys dream about...I mean I'm pretty sure.

I won't even be able to bring girls home or have a girlfriend stay over.


Maybe the next step is celibacy; I say bring it on.

Zaijian

A thick cloud of malaise hangs over my head, just as it has done for the past two weeks. I feel as though Shanghai is not the place for me, that I am depressed here, that everyone is leaving for brighter days while I stay in a soulless place of greed and flesh and overpriced designer goods. I marvel at the slightest bit of green and surprise myself whenever I laugh heartily as if I had crawled out of muck and misery and forgotten how it felt to even smile. Sex is almost joyless, food an overindulgence that has led to the most prolonged stomach problems in my lifetime. I have sworn off alcohol and clubbing yet the alternatives seem boring and at odds with the city itself. I mean, if I wanted more tranquility, should I not get out of Shanghai? I look at my peers and see a similar sort of unhappiness. It seems like everyone needs a vacation, and if the next semester is to be like the end of this one then depression will become a stark reality.

some things that keep me going:
"I love you man. Ur a damn good friend."
"miss you baby, wanna hang out with you when I come back...!
Glen's generosity and upbeat attitude.
the prospect of doing what i Love and accomplishing what I set out to do.
"Strong in mind, body, and spirit!"
realizing that putting my pride aside and being who I am isn't always easy, but it works.
Good, clean fun.

I have a lot of memories of this place already, and each goodbye wrenches my heart a little. i didnt' have much of this in college, because I wasn't that close to anyone besides a select few i knew I'd be with afterwards. These people are fun, funny, and have made me realize that friends are so invaluable.

My best friends are still my best friends. My true friends, the two guys I love the most. I hope one of them chooses to stay, and that the other is doing fine. Whatever happens, however, I will be strong. Oddly enough, just as I have come to find so many new friends who I want as more than just buddies, it's time to say goodbye. And oddly enough, i am ready to happily embrace solitary living even with the bouts of gloom and doom that come with it.

zaijian

Losy Los!

Been feeling a bit in my depressed mood lately. Alex "The Russian Slayer" Ho is leaving tomorrow for NYC; he's making the big bucks in investment banking. He is one of the most intentionally funny guys here in China, always quick with the cursing, very nice and generous guy (bought me xiao long bao and 2 hour massage yesterday), and CRAZY when he drinks.

"Vladimir, when you're in MY country, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He's the first of my friends to be bouncing, and I can't take the feeling of being left behind.

This morning I actually missed home, especially my dad. I was feeling down and then I checked my gmail, found an email from Isosolos, and read it. I hate to say I had nearly lost faith in my closest friends, but it did waver slightly. Doug has been going through a bit of a crisis lately it seems, between his girlfriend and his next move in China. Funny, we had planned on being a team in Shanghai and in Asia, and yet I feel like I could count the number of times we've spent time together on two hands. I haven't seen him in over three weeks now, though we are only about $2 away from each other. Meanwhile, Los is on the other side of the world and has been too busy to email me! When I opened up his mail it made me miss home even more. He's finally growing up, working and moving on from heartbreak; his email was full of the sensitive words and humor I have grown to appreciate over the past nine years. I will see Doug tomorrow or Friday, and Carlos this summer.

People leaving is tragic, but friends are something permanent. I hope some of these people I've met I will have ties with for the rest of my life. If not, it has been a wonderful ride, and I will always love my brothers.

Trifecta. Zaijian

no subject

I saw a movie called "The Last Kiss". It was recommended by someone once very close to me. I cringed at some scenes, where she was Jen and i was Zach Braff...right down to exact lines and situations. At the end of the movie (spoiler) he tries his best and eventually crawls back into her arms ("Warning Sign" my favorite Cold Play song in the background). Did I try my best?

I dreamed about her. It's been almost a whole year.


Had a great German dinner with my classmates last night. A guy pulled a knife on me in a bar two nights ago. I am happy here. My friends are leaving. Shanghai doesn't have much in the way of soul.

A friend of mine told me told me he had to talk with me about something that had been depressing him the last few weeks. He revealed to me he was gay. We talked for the better part of an hour, him telling me that I do not fit the typical mold of an American. I've known lots of gay men and women, and some of them are good friends. This particular friend is my classmate, and possibly the most popular guy in class because of his sense of humor and kindness; I didn't even notice he was down recently because he did such a good job of masquerading his troubles. I, on the other hand, where my emotions somewhat on my sleeve. I told him sometimes I feel like an outcast in our class (which to me is one of the best classes in terms of students in the entire program-between King Wa, the aforementioned friend, Ballin Guillom, Wife, Dutch, and the Couple). He told me what I've been told for a long time: don't think too much. The next day he told me he felt better than he had in a long while. I was glad, however the ironic thing was I felt a lot better to.


Last night a guy pulled a knife on me, told me never to learn Cantonese, that there are 500 RMB abortions that are perfectly acceptable here, and that dumplings are not good and he AND I certainly don't like them. I mean...this guy was crazy. Telling ME I don't like dumplings?