You want something, kind of. You get it. You get tired of it and discard it and forget about it.

You want something; you think it is really important to you. You get it and realize it's not.

You want something really badly, and after some work you get a taste. But that's it, no more. Drives you crazy. This is where I am now. And honestly, it's a great feeling to feel this way again.


I wish I was going with the ABC crew to guilin! Studying today in the dim lights of tao li yuan was damn depressing. Seems like everyone is away on vacation. Yoon and co. leave today for the city of my dreams and the paradise that is Yangshuo. I wrote once upon a time that Guilin was like a glimpse of a beautiful girl you pass by on a perfect day. I wanted to know her, to return to her, but knew in my heart that by the time I returned she would be gone or at least irrevocably changed.

Randolph and Ocala are in Nanjing up to no good no doubt. Even Justin is teaching Japanese to someone and has been away all day. I feel damn alone. Solution? Basketball in the sun with some fellow stragglers, followed by weights in the gym. I want to see Doug. If I can't, guess I'll dial up one of these numbers in my phone and see what happens...

Missing fresh air and ocean breezes. Need a haircut.

zaijian

Last night Justin left Tao Li Yuan with a cigarette and a lighter in his hands. I got up from my books and ran after him; he doesn't smoke. He told me he felt heavy, and the root of the problem was Korean culture. While he tried to explain his feelings the language barrier was evident to both of us. He can speak Korean, Japanese, Chinese, and English-and I've listen his proficiency with these languages in order from best to worst. In Korea, seniority is a big, big deal. Justin told me it's hard to even be friends with someone older or younger than you. He doesn't have a close Korean guy friend here at Jiao Da. His closest friends are Yoon and I. Yoon lives off campus and is busy a lot, and I am not Korean.

Justin is a good guy, I will be there for him like I was last night, and I believe he will be there for me just as he has done many times in the past. He's brought me water when I was hung over, introduced me to pretty girls, helped my Chinese speaking, forced me to study at the library, and even been my manager when I was a model. He told me he wanted his kids to visit me one day in the States. He's my man.

Somewhere inside there is a desire to be on a rooftop in the late afternoon sun. On that rooftop there is food on a grill, and fresh fruit and cold drinks and friends sitting and standing and dancing and laughing. The dusk is something dreaded and welcomed at the same time. When a moment is good we want it to last forever! I saw this place a few days ago from the sports field at Jiao Tong. I have no idea if that apartment building roof would have looked anything like I pictured it in my mind's eye. Dusty and dirty, probably. But it's imagining moments and experiences that are so feasible and close, but also a little bit obscure, that stop me in my tracks. And i get called absentminded.

I want to write. That's what I feel right now. I am not a businessman, and i have never been good with numbers. Yoon told me he envies guys who can pursue what they want; he told me it's a lot harder than it seems. He is absolutely right. It was quite easy, now that I am here, to get here. That's not the destination of my personal legend, rather it was one of few initial steps. I am blessed indeed and in this moment things seem very clear. I wish to dispel all illusions except those that my imagination creates. Those I want to embrace and make reality.

I want to skip a stone on the still ocean and watch it soar like a comet with a bright burst of color behind it, rocketing down again and richocheting back up again and again, lighting up the waters with purple and green until it crashes against my body. In that moment I would splinter into fragments to be carried by the wind somewhere high and grassy. And then, I want the fragments to make a whole.



Wan an

I can't remember ever being in this situation, at least not very long. Then again, maybe I have been here many times over the past year. Except then I was on the opposite side. Just desserts.

Go home now, goodbye

Cab must be broken, it's vibrating so hard

Shower away the sins, and pray for moments of clarity.

Just got back from club Nu. By not drinking I was able to see through many illusions. The girls who came to sit with us were not only not that pretty, but also plainly, at the very least, "semi" pro. These girls in China who frequent the clubs look to foreigners as advantageous pieces to hold. Of course, foreigners also use Chinese girls to have a good time so I suppose there is a mutually benefical relationship going on. Still though, when my friend's girlfriend's friends (and I am a little dubious about his girlfriend, who works at the club, but have decided not to mention it to him because he is somewhat infatuated right now) came to sit with us at a table none of us knew we were getting ($$$), all I saw were money grubbing junior-hookers.
I felt i was seeing through the lights and beer goggles and sexy outfits and machismo even in its most benign form. Even a cheers and a pledge between guys to go out and have a good time felt rather shallow. Go out and do what? Drink more and hunt for more girls? I met three girls who did not work at the club who were friends of a girl I met at another club. I want to sigh right now kind of. As these girls and my more drunken and lively guy friends left, i stayed behind with Randolph, Justin, and his girlfriend. Randolph was as usual more unselfish than me, and demanded we keep our friend company. I wanted to get out of that club and into my bed.
And then something happened. I met our waitress. Not a flirtatious and flashy clad girl using sexuality to lighten wallets, but the girl who refilled our pitchers of green tea and Remy and cleaned off our tables. The quiet ones in plain black clothes who are barely seen. Well, she was awesome. Didn't speak a word of English. But she projected a personality that was soooo very genuine especialy juxtaposed with most of hte girls you find around these parts. By the end of the night Randolph and I had engaged her in a photo shoot, drank and joked with her (hope she doesn't get in trouble), and we also learned a new dice game from Juicy. That was her name, Juicy; she was a beacon of reality in a building that promised dreams but delivered hangovers.


Oh, and she was really, really, really cute. You can't totally shun superficiality right? zaijian

The Number 1 crew in the area

I think i may have mentioned the international makeup of my friends at Jiao Tong University. Today at a friend's apartment, however, I realized that I was the only American among Filipinos, Dutch, and a crazy Singaporean. It was some realization for me because it also struck me that much of the time here I am the only one who speaks good English without accent.

I have American friends here, to be sure. But aside from Kev the machine my closest friends in Shanghai are from South Korea and Singapore. Randolph, the aforementioned crazy Singaporean, is a tightly wound bundle of energy. Though he's only one year my senior, he seems a lot older than me or even some of truly older friends. He fulfilled his military duty in Singapore, drums for a good rock band, has some of the best Mandarin of any of the international students, had a past laced with crystal meth, dates a former KTV queen, and teaches wu shu and muay thai on the side. For some reason he and I click, I dunno why.

Randolph has a very deliberate and forceful way of speaking. Many people who are friends with him now say he was an asshole when they first met him. Ask him a question and there is a good chance he'll sneer and say something like "What the fuck, you moroooon," in his slightly English (Singlish) accent. When he plugs in his ipod he wont' even notice you if you walk right by him. So when i let him borrow my high priced noise cancelling headphones I braced myself for a euphoric reaction. Randolph didn't disappoint.

"I'm gonna start head banging!!!"
"Fucking maaad."
*Insane laughter*
"My head is vibrating!"

He is extremely honest and upfront with everyone, including me. We talk about things like work, wasting time, training, martial arts, love and lust, books, music (He's teaching me about American rock n roll...aint' that a b?), and movies. I think out of K, him and me, Randolph is the only one truly serious when we talk about going to be Shaolin Monks. I'll miss him when he goes back at the end of the semester.

"Why you laughing? Is there something funny about my thrust or have i hit your f spot"

girls

I told TJ the other night that I was scared I would never grow up. I told him I felt like one of those flies with a lifespan of a day, knowing nothing but a frantic search for some semblance of love in a mate before a painless but cruelly early demise. We laughed about it, but I was only half-joking.

Since the end of 2 years of semi- 'love' I have felt like a lost soul. Now here I am in this huge city of lights and clubs, foreigners and sharks. A city without a soul. Shanghai.

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing.

Some people told me I have many girls. Should I count myself lucky? I don't think so, because someone who "has many" is obviously not satisfied with any of them. I look at the couples I have met, sharing this Shanghai experience, and I feel envious. I am still scared to DEATH of relationships, but I know I am only scared of that initial committment. Once you get to a know a person, American, Korean, Chinese, etc. and you find the things that make love possible and great and special...I don't have to look around. I can focus on what is important, and include that significant other in the joys that give life meaning.

Something like love could give a place like this a soul. But someone once told me you never find love when you look for it, it can only find you. I am nervous I will have dropped dead by then.



P.S.- i am writing this on my new laptop. sweet. zaijian