ooo the flossy flossy

Hang up my dirty coat, smelling of smoke.

And those lyrics are still in my head: "G, L, A, m, O, R, o, U, s. First claa-ass, up in the sky...champaa-agne, livin' my life..." the song is Glamorous by Fergie. It was the anthem, along with a couple others, of Shanghai 2007.

I love this song, my Korean friend and mentor tells me, my first semester of Jiao Da. We are sitting across from each other on the black marble tables. There are friends and lovers here, also next door at the famously strangely decorated "Korean restaurant" next door. That place is full of tears, goodbye's, hugs, and broken dreams set against a backdrop of black and white domino tiles and action figures. But back to the song and my friend.

This is my favorite song, he says, as I hear the words softly through his headphones on the table. The tune is beautiful, the words barely breathed. But listen to the words, not the delivery. Her lyrics begin, "My daddy told me..." fades away into the true meaning of the song: "If you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home!" And there you have it.

I cannot think of a song more appropriate to drive home the point in the way it is meant to be driven. We dream of neon lights, high rises, a towering view with all glass window, dim light from the outside illuminating a gray floor as we sip wine from an expensive glass held elegantly by forefinger and thumb watch as the cars go by 60 stories below and the beautiful people are ants on the streets going to visit some romantic nook or cranny in this, our city...it is our city; we built ourselves this life of leisure toasting with the successful, snapping pictures to capture our happiness which we cannot clearly remember after the rooster's crow.

I never wrote about starting work, which has been probably the most significant change in my life of the past four months. I work for a small company doing small but meaningful tasks. My first impression was: these people treat Shanghai differently. They are living the Shanghai life that I used to live when I first got here, even though most of them have been here longer than I have. I also felt,

"Damn, I'm doing robot work."

Tired every night, with eye strain and heat enveloping my brain from staring at a computer screen all day, I thought about quitting after my first month. I thought that even if I was making twice the salary I was, I wouldn't be happy doing this company shit.

I looked at Shanghai and the world through my all too familiar glasses: one lens was that of money, seeking the fast lane good life, easy women dancing on tables who could be yours. The other lens was the poet the questioner the money is not happiness life is happiness. I rationalized that businessmen were inherently cheaters, and had a different set of values. Dreamers, like me, while we sinned from time to time, were inherently good and had a moral fiber that made us unbecoming to the world of numbers and dollar signs.

I love my job now, my coworkers, and being able to go to work. I've had to work from home for the last four days and I absolutely hate it (more on this in another post). I think that says something. My morals haven't changed, but this small company where even my new voice is heard and where even my small decisions make an impact, is fun and what Shanghai is about.

I am not living the life. There's no Cristal on the shelf and I feel guilty if I pay over 100 kuai for a meal. Sometimes I dream of fresh grass, the beach, and clear skies. I dream of getting out of the city and working outdoors. I dream of finding a place to write and be away from the shiny exteriors.

But I think I've come to learn that all that glitters is not without value, that just because you work in a business doesn't make you a businessman and just because you aren't suited to the business world doesn't mean you can't help a business grow. Whew. We'll see whether this job gets me rich (unlikely) or stressed out (likely). But for now, I'm happy with my life.

It still remains to be seen whether I will need to escape this city for something more natural, more soulful...or whether I will find the soul within these dark, golden walls caressed by smoke and mascara.

I never thought I'd be here four years ago.