A thick cloud of malaise hangs over my head, just as it has done for the past two weeks. I feel as though Shanghai is not the place for me, that I am depressed here, that everyone is leaving for brighter days while I stay in a soulless place of greed and flesh and overpriced designer goods. I marvel at the slightest bit of green and surprise myself whenever I laugh heartily as if I had crawled out of muck and misery and forgotten how it felt to even smile. Sex is almost joyless, food an overindulgence that has led to the most prolonged stomach problems in my lifetime. I have sworn off alcohol and clubbing yet the alternatives seem boring and at odds with the city itself. I mean, if I wanted more tranquility, should I not get out of Shanghai? I look at my peers and see a similar sort of unhappiness. It seems like everyone needs a vacation, and if the next semester is to be like the end of this one then depression will become a stark reality.

some things that keep me going:
"I love you man. Ur a damn good friend."
"miss you baby, wanna hang out with you when I come back...!
Glen's generosity and upbeat attitude.
the prospect of doing what i Love and accomplishing what I set out to do.
"Strong in mind, body, and spirit!"
realizing that putting my pride aside and being who I am isn't always easy, but it works.
Good, clean fun.

I have a lot of memories of this place already, and each goodbye wrenches my heart a little. i didnt' have much of this in college, because I wasn't that close to anyone besides a select few i knew I'd be with afterwards. These people are fun, funny, and have made me realize that friends are so invaluable.

My best friends are still my best friends. My true friends, the two guys I love the most. I hope one of them chooses to stay, and that the other is doing fine. Whatever happens, however, I will be strong. Oddly enough, just as I have come to find so many new friends who I want as more than just buddies, it's time to say goodbye. And oddly enough, i am ready to happily embrace solitary living even with the bouts of gloom and doom that come with it.

zaijian