girls

I told TJ the other night that I was scared I would never grow up. I told him I felt like one of those flies with a lifespan of a day, knowing nothing but a frantic search for some semblance of love in a mate before a painless but cruelly early demise. We laughed about it, but I was only half-joking.

Since the end of 2 years of semi- 'love' I have felt like a lost soul. Now here I am in this huge city of lights and clubs, foreigners and sharks. A city without a soul. Shanghai.

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing.

Some people told me I have many girls. Should I count myself lucky? I don't think so, because someone who "has many" is obviously not satisfied with any of them. I look at the couples I have met, sharing this Shanghai experience, and I feel envious. I am still scared to DEATH of relationships, but I know I am only scared of that initial committment. Once you get to a know a person, American, Korean, Chinese, etc. and you find the things that make love possible and great and special...I don't have to look around. I can focus on what is important, and include that significant other in the joys that give life meaning.

Something like love could give a place like this a soul. But someone once told me you never find love when you look for it, it can only find you. I am nervous I will have dropped dead by then.



P.S.- i am writing this on my new laptop. sweet. zaijian