A thick cloud of malaise hangs over my head, just as it has done for the past two weeks. I feel as though Shanghai is not the place for me, that I am depressed here, that everyone is leaving for brighter days while I stay in a soulless place of greed and flesh and overpriced designer goods. I marvel at the slightest bit of green and surprise myself whenever I laugh heartily as if I had crawled out of muck and misery and forgotten how it felt to even smile. Sex is almost joyless, food an overindulgence that has led to the most prolonged stomach problems in my lifetime. I have sworn off alcohol and clubbing yet the alternatives seem boring and at odds with the city itself. I mean, if I wanted more tranquility, should I not get out of Shanghai? I look at my peers and see a similar sort of unhappiness. It seems like everyone needs a vacation, and if the next semester is to be like the end of this one then depression will become a stark reality.

some things that keep me going:
"I love you man. Ur a damn good friend."
"miss you baby, wanna hang out with you when I come back...!
Glen's generosity and upbeat attitude.
the prospect of doing what i Love and accomplishing what I set out to do.
"Strong in mind, body, and spirit!"
realizing that putting my pride aside and being who I am isn't always easy, but it works.
Good, clean fun.

I have a lot of memories of this place already, and each goodbye wrenches my heart a little. i didnt' have much of this in college, because I wasn't that close to anyone besides a select few i knew I'd be with afterwards. These people are fun, funny, and have made me realize that friends are so invaluable.

My best friends are still my best friends. My true friends, the two guys I love the most. I hope one of them chooses to stay, and that the other is doing fine. Whatever happens, however, I will be strong. Oddly enough, just as I have come to find so many new friends who I want as more than just buddies, it's time to say goodbye. And oddly enough, i am ready to happily embrace solitary living even with the bouts of gloom and doom that come with it.

zaijian

Losy Los!

Been feeling a bit in my depressed mood lately. Alex "The Russian Slayer" Ho is leaving tomorrow for NYC; he's making the big bucks in investment banking. He is one of the most intentionally funny guys here in China, always quick with the cursing, very nice and generous guy (bought me xiao long bao and 2 hour massage yesterday), and CRAZY when he drinks.

"Vladimir, when you're in MY country, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He's the first of my friends to be bouncing, and I can't take the feeling of being left behind.

This morning I actually missed home, especially my dad. I was feeling down and then I checked my gmail, found an email from Isosolos, and read it. I hate to say I had nearly lost faith in my closest friends, but it did waver slightly. Doug has been going through a bit of a crisis lately it seems, between his girlfriend and his next move in China. Funny, we had planned on being a team in Shanghai and in Asia, and yet I feel like I could count the number of times we've spent time together on two hands. I haven't seen him in over three weeks now, though we are only about $2 away from each other. Meanwhile, Los is on the other side of the world and has been too busy to email me! When I opened up his mail it made me miss home even more. He's finally growing up, working and moving on from heartbreak; his email was full of the sensitive words and humor I have grown to appreciate over the past nine years. I will see Doug tomorrow or Friday, and Carlos this summer.

People leaving is tragic, but friends are something permanent. I hope some of these people I've met I will have ties with for the rest of my life. If not, it has been a wonderful ride, and I will always love my brothers.

Trifecta. Zaijian