I have just gotten over a nasty stomach problem that robbed me of energy, appetite, and dropped me to about 147 lbs., or the lightest I've been since sophomore year in high school. Now I have a sore throat, and a fever just as my appetite was returning and my girlfriend came back from Holland. Since she was at the gate she's been telling me already she wants to go back home to her family and friends and a job in her homeland, and that she doesn't want to come back to Shanghai. I deeply love this girl, and the thought of losing her after almost half a year of work and ups and downs and progress and ultimately a state of love and caring, after only a relatively short time of happiness is too much for my soul to bear.
I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can't think straight and can't think about the future. I try and reassure her with all my "writer's words" and the most tender touch I can imagine. as it hurts to even swallow. Smiling as my head clouds up congested like some dark room filled with soaked boxes vexed over ages ago and since forgotten. I know that if she leaves I will bawl like a baby. I've already been surrounded by those fed up with Shanghai and ready to leave, or already left. A trail of friends gone and an air of negativity overpowers the crystal good moments I experience. These moments are mostly spent alone. If I have to be alone in Shanghai it will be hard, and I will long for her for a very long time.
I will try my best, and if it's not enough...well someone once very special to me recommended a book called the Alchemist. The jist of it is that one's goals are much harder to pursue because of our own fears and doubts, but even the twisting path before us and its many pitfalls and monsters should not deter us from pursuing what we want. And achieving it. I will stay strong, it's all I have left right now as I shiver.
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